How to have better conversations

Everyone can be a supercommunicator

Anna Bohac

and

Andrew Wetherell

Sep 29, 2025

Transcript

We chat about Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg.

Here are the book notes:

Super-communicator rules to creating a learning conversation

Rule 1. Pay attention to the kind of conversation that is occurring

There are three kinds of conversations:
1. What’s this really about (decision making mindset)
2. How do we feel (emotional mindset)
3. Who we are (social mindset)
—> Note that all of these will often happen in one dialogue

Match the conversation your conversation partner wants to have (Matching principle)
Identify what we are seeking and identify what others want
1. Can just be asking yourself what you want to achieve with the conversation
  1. Example - wrote down goal before a corporate meeting - worked better at controlling mood and convo
  2. Look out for cues on intent

Rule 2. Share your goals and ask what others are seeking

(Particularly for ‘what’s this about conversation)

Achieve this in 4 ways:
1. Preparing before a conversation
  1. Useful to describe to yourself what you want to discuss and one thing you hope to say, and one question you ask (research from Harvard) - helps people feel more confident even though the topics are often not discussed
2. Asking questions
  1. Ask open ended questions - these invite people to talk about their beliefs or experiences not just facts (are you glad you went to law school etc).
    1. Asking about someone’s beliefs or values (“How’d you decide to become a teacher?”)
    2. Asking someone to make a judgment (“Are you glad you went to law school?”)
    3. Asking about someone’s experiences (“What was it like to visit Europe?”)
  2. Ask about values, beliefs, judgments or experiences
3. Noticing clues during conversation
  1. See if they are leaning towards you, make eye contact, back channel (hmm interesting) or interrupt you = signs they are engaged and accepting your invitations
  2. If quiet we can’t think they’re listening but often disengaged - eyes fixed somewhere behind us, quiet etc. means they are not accepting and we should experiment more
4. Experimenting by adding items to the table
  1. Test out different topics see the reactions

Rule 3. Ask about others’ feelings and share your own:

When it’s about emotions, i.e. ‘How do we feel’ conversation - best to start with deep questions

Ask deep questions -
1. Ask about values, feelings, beliefs or experiences in ways that can reveal something vulnerable and vulnerability sparks social contagion which makes us more aligned
  1. Can be light or deep
  2. Almost any question can be made into a deep question
    1. Deep question asks about beliefs, experiences, judgments or values - what’s the best thing about your job (rather than facts - what is your job)
      1. Pretend you’re asking a close friend of a good technique (One 2021 study found a simple approach to generating deep questions: Before speaking, imagine you’re talking to a close friend. What question would you ask?)
    2. Deep question asks people to talk about how they feel - or how others feel or empathise
      1. Prompt specific emotions - did it make you happy when
      2. Analyse a situations emotions - why do you think he got so angry
      3. Empathise - how would you feel if that happened to you

1. 1. Asking a deep question should feel like sharing: A bit like you are revealing something about yourself.
  2. emotional connection is triggered by deep questions and reciprocating vulnerability
  3. This is where the 36 questions to fall in love come in (fast friends procedure - - it’s about vulnerability.
    - did not work when didn’t take turns, do one 36 set, and then the other answers, - did not work to bond, taking turns work, need reciprocity
    - Works because of emotional contagion - you ‘catch’ the emotion state of the other person
      - even 10 week old babies do it - mimic mother’s facial expressions
      - vulnerability is a trigger to emotional contagion - we reveal something, the other is likely to too
2. listen to what people are saying - what emotions they are feeling
  1. It’s easy to misinterpret emotions, so here pay attention to -
    1. Mood
    2. Energy level (low or high)
    ^ that tells us what we need to attune to and match. Sometimes not wanting to align (if angry and we don’t want to get angry for example), but can ask and acknowledge the emotions.

1. Once get the emotion - respond to emotions = showing others we hear their emotions and reciprocate
  1. You do this by - looping for understanding Looping for understanding is:
    1. Asking questions to make sure we know what they are saying
    2. Repeating back in our own words what they’re saying
    3. Ask if got it right - and repeat until all agree

1. 1. Benefits of looping-
    1. helps us make sure we’re hearing others
    2. It demonstrates we want to hear — this is important because it helps establish emotional vulnerability And that’s key because emotional reciprocity doesn’t come about by sharing our own feelings but rather by providing empathetic support, - Emotional reciprocity is nuanced (cancer diagnosis - don’t say things that pain you you have that too, more I know how you feel, don’t turn spotlight on yourself - say I know how scary that is, tell me how you feel
    3. We reciprocate vulnerability by looping for understanding until you understand what someone is feeling and also by looking for what someone needs - empathy, tough love etc? If you don’t know, loop more
  2. We reciprocate vulnerability by:
    1. looping for understanding
    2. looking for what someone needs - do you need advice, tough love, empathy? (identify via looping)
    3. asking permission - ‘Would it be ok if I told you how your words affect me etc?
    4. giving something in return - This can be as simple as describing how you feel. ‘It makes me sad to hear you’re in pain’ or ‘I am so happy for you’.
    Reciprocity is not about matching vulnerability to vulnerability or sorrow to sorrow. It is being emotionally available, listening to how someone feels and what they need, and sharing our own emotional reactions.
  The ‘emotion’ conversation in conflict - i.e. how it changes in conflict:
  1. acknowledge understanding - through looping and statements like ‘let me make sure I understand…’.
  2. Find specific points of agreement - look for places where you can say ‘I agree with you’ or ‘I think you are right in that …’.
  3. Temper your claims - Don’t make sweeping statements such as ‘everyone knows that’s not true’ or ‘your side always …’ Use words like somewhat, it might be and speak about specific experiences (I want to talk to you about how you left the dishes in the sink last night - not ‘I want to talk to you about how you never do anything around the house)
  The aim of the conversation is not winning, but understanding.

1. The emotion conversation online:
  - Over emphasise politeness - tensions lessened when overly polite
  - Under emphasise sarcasms
  - Express gratitude, deference, greetings, hedges, apologies - all those help
  - Avoid criticism in public forum

Rule 4: Explore if identities are important to this discussion

This rule says to consider the actions - before, at the beginning and during a discussion. This is for ‘who we are conversations’. Use it when you think the conversation is about people’s identity.

Before a conversation starts - asks